Well, I finally did it.

I did it.  After holding out for two years, I (willingly) bought 2012 Topps Baseball.  As much as I hate the insert bloat, bland design, and intelligence-insulting gimcracks, I just couldn't turn down a good deal; especially on a product that, for all intents and purposes, has become a Junk Wax product.

And so this past Saturday, at a cramped Days Inn ballroom in Lancaster, PA, I forked over $13 and bought 26 Hobby loosies of 2012 Topps Baseball Series One.

No, you are not seeing things.  I bought 26 packs of 2012 Topps One for a fourth of their $1.99/pack MSRP.  I suppose there wasn't enough "added value," huh?  Or squirrels?

Anyway, as feared, the product ranges from mediocre (base set) at best, to bland and soulless (inserts) at worst.  Take a look at the piss-poor design of these inserts.

You can tell that these cards are designed first as BIG MOJO HITZZZ!!!1!!, then retconned into inserts with a team logo and/or seal; and that big-ass logo/seal makes them look like shit.

And what's with all the "Gold" anyway?  Gold Standard, Golden Moments, Gold Futures, Golden Greats?  What's the point of having all these inserts anyway?  Just about every pack I opened had two inserts in it.  Does anyone at Topps seriously think that this "adds value?"  Do they understand the concept of Diminishing Marginal Utility?

I did manage to pull this purely Lagniappe Michael Pineda letter patch which, unlike most letter patches, is not manufactured.  It was cut out of the warm-up jersey he wore at the 2011 All-Star Game.  Not a manu-relic, but not exactly "game used" either.

So there.  It took me two years, but I've finally crossed over to the dark side and I feel a bit dirty for doing so.  Now if you will excuse me, I need to look up the nearest Free Clinic.

1997 and 1998 Pinnacle Inside Five "Pack" Break.

I ripped open five "packs" of this crap so that you don't have to.

The Five Dumbest Sports Card Gimmicks of the 1990s

I never intended this to be a series, but apparently that's where I'm going with this.  I already have parts 3 and 4 lined up, and there may even be a Part V.

In the meantime, checkout Part II: The Five Dumbest Sports Card Gimmicks of the 1990s on Sports Collectors Daily.

I Do Not Run Marathons

Have you ever run a marathon?  Why not?  Twenty-six point two miles over varying terrain for a couple of hours can't be that hard?  The Boston and New York Marathons attract thousands of runners, so it must be easy, right?  I have my reasons for not running (I'm out of shape and with a set of knees that have been completely destroyed by years of soccer.  Besides, if was ever stupid enough to try, I'd keel over in exhaustion about five miles in.), but what's your excuse?

If you're like most people, you don't run marathons because you know you'll never, ever, be able to finish it -- at least not in a reasonable time.  What's the point in starting something you know you'll never complete?

This brings me to 2012 Topps Archives Baseball.  By all outward appearances, this should be an awesome product, and the kind of set I'd be buying by the pallet-load -- if I had the money, that is.  Under ordinary circumstances, this could be a legitimate "Product of the Decade" contender (and that's a "shoot.")

It could be, but it's not.  And you can all put the blame on one card.  This one...  

 

It's not that Topps included a Harper RC -- personally, I think it's great that Topps was able to add him at the last minute.  No, it's the way they went about it: a super short-printed base card.

Topps could have easily printed enough Harper's to make it both attainable and realistic to complete a full 241-card set.  They made Yu Darvish and Yoenis Cespedes regular ol' base cards, and that hasn't hurt their "value" (whatever that means), why didn't they do the same with Harper?  Heck, they could have printed enough to equal the production of the other 40 All-Time Fan Favorties SPs (cards #201-#240).  

But Topps chose NOT to.  They could have made it a one-per-sixth box hit, but instead they made it a one-per-sixth case hit.  In other words, they gimmicked the shit out of it.

(Keep in mind, we're not talking about an Autographed Bowman Chrome Prospect Lavender/Fuschia Die-Cut Nuke-Fractor serial-numbered to 99; the Harper in question is a base card in a base-level product.)

This is what the current regime at Topps fails to understand about collectors.  We don't want to run marathons, we just want to collect baseball cards.  Topps didn't need to make 2012 Topps Archives Baseball a marathon, but they chose to anyway.  

We bother collecting a set you'll never be able to complete?

UPDATED: How Will Topps Fuck Up Series Two vis-a-vis Bryce Harper?

4/30 Update:  WE HAVE A WINNAH!!!

As expected, Topps, predictably, will add Harper as a 661st card and SP the shit out of it.  And yes, the cynically-timed press release from the desk of Clay Luraschi arrived in my e-mail box just a few moments later.  We all knew they were going to do something.  Their staleness and stupidity is now beyond cliche, almost to the point of self-parody.

I'll have more on this later.

---

As you've by now heard, Bryce Harper was called up to the Bigs, and makes his MLB debut tomorrow in LA. Well isn't that special? It's like the Nats actually think they're a Big League team now!

But I digress. We all know Topps has a need to fuck-up their flagship product with gimmicks, especially when it comes to a "hot" rookie (See Stephen Strasburg in 2010, and Kosuke Fukudome in 2008) -- something they, curiously do not do with some of their other base-level products (i.e. Bowman).

With 2012 Series Two only five weeks away, this give Topps more than enough time to produce the inevitable gimmick. And what better way to ridicule Topps than turning said inevitable gimmick into a money grab for me. Yes, I'm taking some action on this. Place your bets folks, the pari-mutuel windows are open!

Here's the Morning Line...

5:1 A "late addition" of a 661st base card short-printed to the bejesus that not even Brent and Becca will find it in 100 cases. This is what they did with the Albert Pujols and Jose Reyes "331" and "332" cards in this year's Series One. Topps had about seven weeks between the time Pujols signed for Anaheim and the street date of S1, which gave them plenty of time to include this card in the base set. With S2 scheduled for release in only five weeks, the turnaround time would be cutting it close, but I have complete faith in Topps with pulling this one off. In fact, it would not surprise me if Clay Luraschi is hacking out the cynically-timed press release now.  

25:1 A "Golden Giveaway" exclusive card. I don't think Topps would do something like what they did with Strasburg in 2010; but since they've done it once, you can't discount the possibility that they'll do it again. For the uninitiated, the day before his debut, Topps announced that Stephen Strasburg's "rookie" card would be made available the exact moment he stepped onto the field on their Million Card Giveaway website. Most of the MCG cards had already been redeemed long before this promotion announced, and had collectors known about it, would have waited. Topps has done some pretty stupid things the last five years, but they're not dumb enough to repeat this debacle.  

8:1 A 661st card thrown into the factory sets that will be different from his Updates & Highlights base card. This assumes that the pack out is already so far along and there's nothing Topps can do to include Harper, even if it wanted to. So, they'll add Harper as a bonus in the factory sets and save his "real" RC for Updates & Highlights.

999:1 A regular, un-gimmicked, non-short-printed base card. And only a base card. Pfft! Yeah, right. Remember who were dealing with.

5:2 A pie-in-the-face, or other similar non-squirrel-related gimmick. Look, we're all expecting Topps to do this. They've become so predictable, nothing they do surprises anyone anymore.

50:1 Bryce Harper in a Squirrel Costume. If Topps wants to destroy any credibility they had left with The Hobby, they'd go for the squirrel. Then again, this assumes that Topps has any credibility left.  

12:1 Bryuzo Harpuzki: Japanese Mega-Prospect. Of all the bets on the board, this might be the best "value bet." It's been a while since Topps did something borderline racist as Kazuo Uzuki, and quite frankly, they're due.

9:1 Harper with Obama and Dmitri Young Photoshopped in the background. OK, so Meat Hook might be a but of a stretch. But who else qualifies as the "Greatest Washington National of All Time?"

Topps Gets SUED for Gimmickry.

I wish I was making this up.

First off, remember this...



Well guess what? Topps is getting sued of this card.

Yes,

TOPPS GIMMICKRY HAS DIRECTLY LED TO A LAWSUIT!

Read all about it on Cardboard Connection

DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS, TOPPS, WHEN YOU FUCK COLLECTORS IN THE ASS?

It's Time to Play ... TOPPS BULLSHIT BINGO!

The rules are simple.

First, download your official Topps Bullshit Bingo card.

Next, listen to the Topps flunky on Cardboard Connection Radio show.

Listen to internet radio with Cardboard Connection Radio on Blog Talk Radio

The game is simple. Listen to the Topps Flunky and check off the box whenever you hear him utter one of the catchphrases on your card. When you've connected five-in-a-row, shout GAME CHANGER!!!! and...

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates 2012 Topps.

And I'm glad I'm not the only one publicly speaking out.

KOP CAT!!!

You see, Topps, cards like these actually work in a product like Match Attax. That's because Match Attax/Topps Attax are products no one actually takes seriously. They're meant to be played with, not actually collected.

And just because you don't make Topps Attax on this side of the Atlantic, doesn't mean cards of squirrels won't work in another product collectors don't take seriously: Opening Day for example.

(Topps: Please make all checks payable to "Chris Harris.")

In case you have no idea just what the heck I'm talking about ... Liverpool and Tottenham Hotspur played a football, errr..., soccer match yesterday. Spurs are currently 3rd and Liverpool 7th in the English Premiere League table, errr..., standings, and both sides needed a needed a win to cement (Spurs) or get back into (Liverpool) Champions League contention.

(The UEFA Champions League is the highly-lucrative annual trans-European tournament that crowns the best club team on the continent. The top four teams in England get to play in the following year's Champions League, and, just as important, get to cash-in on the $30m in TV money that comes with it. Therefore, finishing the season in fourth place is just as important, if not more so, that actually winning the Premiership, errr..., League.)

The match ended in a goalless draw, but that's not important. In the 11th minute of the first half this happened ...



... and if the guy in the green shirt looks vaguely familiar, that's because it's Brad Friedel, former goalkeeper for the U.S. National Team and current #1 for Tottenham. You probably remember him as that guy who made all those awesome penalty kick saves for the USA in the 2002 World Cup.

By the end of the match the "Anfield Cat" had already had a Twitter account with 20,000+ followers. Earlier today, Topps' UK affiliate posted the mock-up of "Kop Cat." ( is the section of Liverpool's Anfield stadium where the club's most vocal and hardcore supporters, errr..., fans stand, errr..., sit.)

I know most of you don't "get," or don't want to "get," football, and I'm not here to convert you. I'm not even a Liverpool fan (I support Everton and Fulham). But 42,000 voices singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" always sends a chill down my spine.

Topps Baseball (1951-2012). Cause of Death: O.G.

"Over Golded"



How do they expect us to collect it with all those junk inserts in it?

OBTW, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka is one of the greatest movies ever.

Give Me A Reason to Collect 2012 Topps

So as you've probably heard by now, 2012 Topps Series One has started to arrive on Wal-Mart shelves, a couple of days earlier than the Hobby edition. And as I mentioned last week, for the first time since I was five years old, I will not be collecting any of it. I can no longer, in good conscience, patronize a company that continues to insult our intelligence with gimmicks. This has become difficult for me, and I must admit I have been tempted to give in.

But I'm willing to give Topps a second chance. I'm willing to look the other way on one condition and one condition only.

Topps: Explain yourselves.

So for Topps (and judging by the information my webhost supplies me with, I know they read this) and all their apologists out there, I have a challenge for you.

It's simple, just answer this question: Why should I continue to collect your products? Just give me five good reasons why I should buy 2012 Topps Series One, and I will. That's all I ask.

This is a question that Topps' Product Development Team has probably failed to ask themselves, so this should double as an exercise for their future product lines.

Just post your responses in the comments below, or if you can fit them in 140 characters or less Tweet them to @stalegum.

I WILL look at and respond to each and every entry, and if I come up with five valid reasons, I will buy a Hobby box of 2012 Topps Series One.

Have at it.

I will collect Topps no more.

Tell General Olds I know his heart. What he told me before, I have it in my heart.

I am tired of the bullshit.

Our Topps sets are ruined.

Kazuo Uzuki. Pies-in-the-face. Diamond Sparkles.

The old collectors are leaving. It is the young who say yes or no.

It is almost Spring, and 2012 Topps Flagship is not "Game Changing." It is merely more of the same.

My people, some of them, have run away to vintage, and 90s wax. No one knows if they will come back, if ever.

Hear me, my collectors! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will collect Topps no more.

Topps Outdoes Itself Again.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall in the product development meetings. Seriously, how does Topps come up with stuff this stupid?



I'd imagine the conversation went a little something like this...

"Hmmm... I got a great idea! Let's make fake `Relic' cards of fictional characters, and randomly insert them into our premiere $100/pack relic-themed baseball card product. And on top of that, let's not bother telling anyone about it until AFTER the dumb schmucks who buy this garbage spend their money and discover our latest gimmick!"

Panini... SAVE US!!!!

Top 10 National Pick-Ups: #1, Ironic ain't just the name of an Alanis Morrisette song

#1: 2007 Sweet Spot Michael Buysner

Paid: $0.25



If you're a fan of unintentional irony (and I know you are), than this is the greatest baseball card ever made. It's an Upper Deck-issued gimmick card spoofing the former CEO of Disney and current co-owner of Topps, Michael Eisner. It's been four years since UD unleashed this 2 1/2" X 3 1/2" specimen of petty petulance and a lot has changed in The Hobby; but I've always wondered what might have been.

Four years ago, Topps was still publicly traded and facing a major shareholder revolt. Faced with mutiny from several members of their Board of Directors, the Shorin family agreed to sell the company to Madison Dearborn Partners, a private equity firm that also owns parts of Univison, LA Fitness, and Yankee Candle, and The Tornante Company, a firm founded in 2005 by former Walt Disney CEO Michael Eisner. The sale was announced in March and the price was $9.75 share, or just over $385 million.

But two months later, around the time Topps stockholders were scheduled to vote on the MDP/Tornante offer, Upper Deck offered an unsolicited bid of $10.75/share or $425 million. Concerns over anti-trust (of all things) led UD to withdraw their offer and in September, 2007 Topps was sold to MDP/Tornante.

---

I always wondered what would have happened if Upper Deck was able to acquire Topps. So allow me for one minute to "war game" this out. Suppose Upper Deck is the only MLB/MLBPA licensee for 2008 and beyond; and under their 2006-2009 license, they're still limited to only 17 brands, plus one $0.99/pack "kiddie" brand. Let's assume that UD keeps both Topps' and UD's "flagship" brands (Topps, Finest, Heritage and Upper Deck, SP Authentic, and SPx) in-tact. The MLBPA has made no secret of their disdain for Bowman; therefore, Bowman under Upper Deck would have either been discontinued or turned into a prospect-exclusive set (without any current Major Leaguers) much like UD tried to do with Prospect Premieres ten year's ago.

1. Topps Series 1


2. Topps Series 2


3. Topps Updates


4. Upper Deck Series 1


5. Upper Deck Series 2


6. Topps Heritage


7. Finest


8. SP Authentic


9. SPx

What other Topps brands would UD had filled out their schedule with? Allen & Ginter might have been the only other Topps brand that might have had a chance of crossing-over, but I doubt it. If UD wanted another "throwback" set, they'd probably choose their own Goudey set.

To fill out their "mid-range" lines, I'm guessing they might have chosen UD Masterpieces, Upper Deck Heroes, and Spectrum.

10. Upper Deck Goudey
    
    
11. UD Masterpieces
    
    
12. Upper Deck Heroes
    
    
13. Spectrum
    

The remaining four products, I think, would have come from UD's existing "high-end" lines.

14. Exquisite


15. Ultimate Collection


16. Sweet Spot


17. SP Game Used

You can then add First Edition/Opening Day as the $0.99/pack contractual obligation set, and Bowman as the unlicensed "Prospect" set.

Notice what's missing? From Topps: Allen & Ginter, Topps Chrome, Bowman Chrome, Topps Sterling, and Bowman Sterling; and from Upper Deck: Documentary, Timelines, and X. While I'm sure collectors would miss Allen & Ginter (which they could just as easily replace Spectrum or Goudey with), would The Hobby really shed a tear over Chrome, Sterling, Crock-U-Mentary, or Upper Deck X?

Of course, this being Upper Deck, they'd find a way to piss everyone at MLB Properties off. So much so, that by the end of 2008 MLBP would be seeking a second licensee for 2010. Since the only established trading card company left that would have the wherewithal to produce a baseball card set is the company now known as Panini (sorry Press Pass and Leaf), that's what The Hobby would probably look like today.

Upper Deck and Panini.

Sheesh.

---

So I guess it's a good thing that the shareholders rejected UD's offer and went with MDP/Tornante. But it didn't stop Upper Deck from firing a scud in their direction with this un-announced gimmick card that was randomly inserted into tins of 2007 Sweet Spot Baseball.

For those that can't make out the picture above, it's a caricature of Michael Eisner wearing a backward's baseball cap and a "Bazonka" (get it? Bazonka/Bazooka?) t-shirt. The bitterness isn't just confined to the front of the card. Check out the copy on the back.



It reads: "Upper Deck welcomes this season's newest rookie, Michael Buysner. After humble origins as a page for a top TV network and stints that included crashing a hamboni (sic) machine at an Anaheim hockey arena, he is now the topp (sic) dog searching for a way to bring Bazonka Joe into the 21st century. As Big Cheese of his own cardboard kingdom, he is enthusiastically searching for the baseball cards his mom threw away and no one will be surprised to see a new big budget film titled, ‘Bazonka Joe and the Temple of Lost Trading Cards' in the very near future. Upper Deck wishes Buysner well – in the candy business."

Ummm... wow! And I thought I was the most sarcastic sonofabitch in The Hobby.

Of course, this wasn't the only gimmick card directed at Topps that Upper Deck released in 2007 Sweet Spot. There was also one of those autographed leather-like pieces that was marked with a giant black asterisk. The "player" listed on this card was "756," an obvious reference to Barry Bonds, who at the time was exclusive to Topps.

But wait, there's more! A few weeks later, when everyone in The Hobby was trying to figure out just what the heck these cards were, Upper Deck issued this incredibly cynical press release:

"It has come to our attention that 2007 Upper Deck Sweet Spot Baseball contains cards that should not have been included in the product release. Accordingly, the Upper Deck Company has sent notices to its customers requiring them to return any and all 2007 Upper Deck Sweet Spot Baseball product that they have received and/or that they may receive in the coming days."

Yeah, because a parody-gimmick card that was clearly marked with the Sweet Spot logo was never actually intended for release in Sweet Spot.

Right.

Of course, Upper Deck could never have known that a few years later "Mr. Buysner" would muscle them completely out of the baseball card business by negotiating an exclusive MLB-license; which, in retrospect, gives this card a completely different meaning.

---

Back in 2007, Beckett reported that a copy of the Michael Buysner card sold for $310 on eBay. I found this card for 1/1240th the price in the same quarter box that I got the '75 Dave Winfield.

Kind of makes you wonder about the long-run value of all those gimmick cards Topps keeps pumping out year-after-year.


#10: It's for "Members Only"
#9: The case of the mysterious rookie reprints
#8: 75 for 25
#7: A point is a point
#6: OH NOEZ!!!!!
#5: What do they know about partying? Or anything else?
#4: Epix Mo-Jo!!!
#3: Satisfyin' the ladies, one printin' plate at a time
#2: The Mother of all junk waxboxes
#1: Ironic ain't just the name of an Alanis Morrisette song

Reason #421 why Gimmicks Suck: Domonic Brown's Non-Twink, Twink.

Take a look at card #421 of the recently released 2011 Topps Series Two. (Oh yeah, S2 is now out) Specifically that flash of light on Domonic Brown's helmet.



It kind of looks like one of those "sparkles" Topps has been Photoshopping into their Twink gimmicks.

But it's not. That's just the reflection of the sun beaming off the brim of his helmet. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course, if you were looking for Brown's card on eBay -- with all the "Sparkle SP L@@K!!! listings -- you might know that and might have paid $20 for a common card.

I'm not blaming these sellers for attempting to take advantage of what many sellers believe is (in good faith, in my opinion) a Twink gimmick.

No, the blame should be put squarely on a company who continues a frustrating policy of not disclosing complete checklists before a product's release. This is on Topps.

If you would like to make your opinion known on this matter please contact the following address.

Topps US
ATTN: Clay Luraschi, Director of Product Development
One Whitehall Street
New York, NY 10004

Or call them at 1 (800) 489-9149

Who are these people?

No, really. Who are the "Gypsy Queens?"



Are they actual Gypsies? Or did Topps pull another Kazuo Uzuki?

And now, a message from The Upper Deck Company -- courtesy of Stale Gum's Robot Theater.

Going into the Basement.

In about a month, a Master's in Applied Economics from George Mason University will (hopefully) be conferred to me. The next few weeks will be hectic for me, and as such, will probably not post anything here until then.

If you need your Stale Gum fix, there's always the ol' Twitter feed.

In the meantime I'll leave you with this...

The "Great Video Trading Card War of 2011" is the cardboard equivalent of the East Coast/West Coast rap wars of the mid-90s. Panini = Bad Boy; Upper Deck = Death Row; and Topps are the "Dirty South" rappers who just "Have something to say" at the Source Awards.

Let's all hope this doesn't end in violence.

Rubbing Dogshit into the Collective Noses of all of Quebec.

That's essentially what Topps has done with this Manu-Crap-Tured Patch card.



Your eyes are not deceiving you. That really is a Montreal Expos logo on a Stephen Strasburg card.

(Let me pause to collect myself.)

With this, and the 41 43 (and counting) "Twink" gimmicks (more on those later); I am now thoroughly convinced that Topps no longer drug-tests their employees.

Robot Theatre: Behind the Scenes at Topps (Episode Two)

I can not take credit for this. Someone on FCB made this. Looks like the talking robots struck a nerve with The Hobby?