UPDATED: How Will Topps Fuck Up Series Two vis-a-vis Bryce Harper?

4/30 Update:  WE HAVE A WINNAH!!!

As expected, Topps, predictably, will add Harper as a 661st card and SP the shit out of it.  And yes, the cynically-timed press release from the desk of Clay Luraschi arrived in my e-mail box just a few moments later.  We all knew they were going to do something.  Their staleness and stupidity is now beyond cliche, almost to the point of self-parody.

I'll have more on this later.

---

As you've by now heard, Bryce Harper was called up to the Bigs, and makes his MLB debut tomorrow in LA. Well isn't that special? It's like the Nats actually think they're a Big League team now!

But I digress. We all know Topps has a need to fuck-up their flagship product with gimmicks, especially when it comes to a "hot" rookie (See Stephen Strasburg in 2010, and Kosuke Fukudome in 2008) -- something they, curiously do not do with some of their other base-level products (i.e. Bowman).

With 2012 Series Two only five weeks away, this give Topps more than enough time to produce the inevitable gimmick. And what better way to ridicule Topps than turning said inevitable gimmick into a money grab for me. Yes, I'm taking some action on this. Place your bets folks, the pari-mutuel windows are open!

Here's the Morning Line...

5:1 A "late addition" of a 661st base card short-printed to the bejesus that not even Brent and Becca will find it in 100 cases. This is what they did with the Albert Pujols and Jose Reyes "331" and "332" cards in this year's Series One. Topps had about seven weeks between the time Pujols signed for Anaheim and the street date of S1, which gave them plenty of time to include this card in the base set. With S2 scheduled for release in only five weeks, the turnaround time would be cutting it close, but I have complete faith in Topps with pulling this one off. In fact, it would not surprise me if Clay Luraschi is hacking out the cynically-timed press release now.  

25:1 A "Golden Giveaway" exclusive card. I don't think Topps would do something like what they did with Strasburg in 2010; but since they've done it once, you can't discount the possibility that they'll do it again. For the uninitiated, the day before his debut, Topps announced that Stephen Strasburg's "rookie" card would be made available the exact moment he stepped onto the field on their Million Card Giveaway website. Most of the MCG cards had already been redeemed long before this promotion announced, and had collectors known about it, would have waited. Topps has done some pretty stupid things the last five years, but they're not dumb enough to repeat this debacle.  

8:1 A 661st card thrown into the factory sets that will be different from his Updates & Highlights base card. This assumes that the pack out is already so far along and there's nothing Topps can do to include Harper, even if it wanted to. So, they'll add Harper as a bonus in the factory sets and save his "real" RC for Updates & Highlights.

999:1 A regular, un-gimmicked, non-short-printed base card. And only a base card. Pfft! Yeah, right. Remember who were dealing with.

5:2 A pie-in-the-face, or other similar non-squirrel-related gimmick. Look, we're all expecting Topps to do this. They've become so predictable, nothing they do surprises anyone anymore.

50:1 Bryce Harper in a Squirrel Costume. If Topps wants to destroy any credibility they had left with The Hobby, they'd go for the squirrel. Then again, this assumes that Topps has any credibility left.  

12:1 Bryuzo Harpuzki: Japanese Mega-Prospect. Of all the bets on the board, this might be the best "value bet." It's been a while since Topps did something borderline racist as Kazuo Uzuki, and quite frankly, they're due.

9:1 Harper with Obama and Dmitri Young Photoshopped in the background. OK, so Meat Hook might be a but of a stretch. But who else qualifies as the "Greatest Washington National of All Time?"

I will collect Topps no more.

Tell General Olds I know his heart. What he told me before, I have it in my heart.

I am tired of the bullshit.

Our Topps sets are ruined.

Kazuo Uzuki. Pies-in-the-face. Diamond Sparkles.

The old collectors are leaving. It is the young who say yes or no.

It is almost Spring, and 2012 Topps Flagship is not "Game Changing." It is merely more of the same.

My people, some of them, have run away to vintage, and 90s wax. No one knows if they will come back, if ever.

Hear me, my collectors! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will collect Topps no more.

2011 Topps Updates: No Gimmicks Required.

2011 Topps Updates Baseball should be on the shelves at your LCS and/or mass-market retail outlet by now, and with it are the inevitable gimmicks. I mean, this is Topps. Surely they won't allow the third series of their flagship brand be released without doing something stupid, right?

So what's it going to be for this year's Update?

Is it going to be something like a squirrel, Joba Chamberlain listed "accidentally" as a Houston Astro, or a fake rookie card of Jacoby Ellsbury like they did in 2007?

How about purposely printing Evan Longoria, Jay Bruce, and Kosuke Fukudome's cards upside-down, like they did in 2008?

Stephen Strasburg hit with a shaving cream pie? Man, that's so 2010.

This year's gimmick is...

Nothing.

Yes, there are another 25 unannounced "Legend Variations." But other than that, there are no gimmicks in 2011 Topps Updates Baseball. At least none that have surfaced on eBay.

They even got rid of the Twinks!

Maybe the Topps product development team is finally getting it. Maybe they realize that their flagship brand needs no artificial inducement, gimmick, or other chicanery for collectors to buy it, and that Topps Updates is good enough to sell on its own.

If so, that would truly be "game changing."

Me on CCR.

In case you missed it, I was on Card Corner Club Cardboard Connection Radio with Rob, Russ, and Doug. Fast forward to about the 54:00 mark as we collectively bash 2012 Topps. It's GAME CHANGING!

Listen to internet radio with Cardboard Connection Radio on Blog Talk Radio