AMOUNT SPENT ON 2012 TOPPS BASEBALL: $0.00

Friday, July 08, 2011

2011 Allen & Ginter... The Celebrity Autographs.

While we wait patiently for Ginter to drop this week, Topps has released the complete checklist of all the non-Baseball athletes and celebrities who have autographed for TA&G. There's still no Bill Gates, Milo Aukerman, Lionel Messi, or Dennis Miller; and there's still no cuts of Jefferson Burdick. However, here's a sampling of what we can look forward to.

Cheryl Burke: Ballroom dancing is pushing to become an Olympic sport. But yeah, no one except your girlfriend who watches DWTS religiously cares. (And she probably wants that Ukrainian dude, Maxim, whathisname.)

Dick Vitale: YEAH BAY-BEE! THIS CARD IS OF A REAL P.T.P.er! A PRETTY TIRED PERFORMER!

But seriously folks, how can you NOT like Dick Vitale? Yes, his schtick is old and tiresome. But for some reason, Dickie-Vee just reminds you of all those great Monday night Big East/Big Ten doubleheaders on ESPN back in the day.

Dirk Hayhurst (as "The Garfoose"): I think I'm the only person on the planet who has yet to read The Bullpen Gospels. Sorry, but I've had this thing called "grad school" taking up my free time the last few years. (Please, no spoilers in the comments.)

Geno Auriemma: This guy is a total D-Bag. But I guess women's basketball needs a heel; the guy in the "black hat" to go up against the gal in the white hat (Pat Summit). He plays the part well.

Heather Mitts: It's a shame Heather Mitts is more famous for her "work" (if you can call it that) off the pitch. It's a shame because, at 33, one of the finest right-backs America has produced finally made it onto the World Cup team. She was hurt each of the last two World Cups and more than likely won't get off the bench for this one. I hope the USWNT wins this World Cup, if only to send Mitts out a winner.

Ehhh, who am I kidding. You don't care about soccer, much less women's soccer. I pretty sure most of you who pull this card will probably rub one out to it. Just make sure you keep it in a top-loader before you send it to me.

Jason "Wee Man" Acuna: I couple of years ago, I proposed having the whole Jackass posse to sign for A&G. A Ryan Dunn autograph would have been awesome.

Jim Nantz: If Allen & Ginter were a sporting event (work with me for a second), I would want Jim Nantz in the booth -- if only for the 30 second TV commercials. You know the ones, with the soft piano and acoustic guitar music in the background:

"It's a tradition unlike any other. Allen & Ginter, from Topps."

John McEnroe: And if your girl steps up, I'm smacking the ho.

Lou Holtz: I grew up in a Roman Catholic household. My now 89-year-old grandpop's college football allegiance is to Notre Dame -- even though he never went to college. Growing up, I'd watch all those great Notre Dame/Miami games with him.

Lou Holtz made me a Miami fan.

Matt Guy: Matt Guy is the "King of Cornhole." For the record: Cornhole is a horseshoe-like game involving throwing bags filled with unpopped-pop corn into a slanted platform with a hole in it.

Not to be confused with the "King of Cornholing," Ron Jeremy -- who you can add to the list of people who also NEED to have an A&G autograph.

Mat Hoffman: Mat Fucking Hoffman did this...



And that's why he's on an Allen & Ginter card.

Al Gore & Keith Olbermann: Good Lord. It's Vice President ManBearPig and the King of Public Access TV; ON THE SAME CARD. This card may set a Guinness World Record for most amount of smug douchebaggery per square inch on a trading card.

Rafer Johnson: A total badass. He won the Olympic Gold Medal in the Decathlon in 1960. Eight years later, along with Rosey Grier and George Plimpton, helped capture Sirhan Sirhan after he shot RFK.

Re-read that last sentence, because that actually happened.

Tim Howard: Yeah, Landycakes scored the goal against Algeria; but it would have never happened without Timmy's save and distribution. That, and he's from Jersey and has Tourette's.

1 comment:

Ryan G said...

What, no Guy Fieri comments? Come on, owning his autograph would be off the hook!

I want that Heather Mitts autograph too.