Thursday, June 16, 2011

Do Cards, As If They Were Drugs.

We all know how "Addicting & Adventurous" baseball cards are. This Hobby is full of Cardboard Junkies.

But did you ever say to yourself, "Dude, this box of Bowman Platinum would be sooooooo much better if I had a rag doused with chloroform and two bottles of Formula 44?" Fear not, here are some of your favorite baseball card sets, as if they were drugs (legal or otherwise).


The classic "gateway drug." It's the one we all got started with, and the one we continue to get our buzz on with. Just like weed, there are different "strains" of Topps (i.e. Hobby, HTA, retail, Blasters, Hangerpacks) and everyone knows a dealer where you can score some late at night.

FINEST, TOPPS CHROME, BOWMAN CHROME: LSD, Mescaline, and Esctasy (respectively).


2008 RAZOR SIGNATURE: "Bath Salts."

Completely whack, and banned in seven states for lack of a proper license.

OPENING DAY: Methadone

A completely meaningless substance designed to wean you off your addictions.

TOPPS ATTAX: Paper bag of aluminum paint huffed by 12-year-old Romanian orphans in the back-alleys of Bucharest.

A cheap high, marketed towards kids. Quickly wears off after about five minutes.

GYSPY QUEEN: Black-Tar Heroin; ALLEN & GINTER: China White

Both Black-Tar Heroin and China White make you "Chase the Dragon." Gypsy Queen and Allen & Ginter make you "Chase the SPs." Back in the 1880s, your grand pappy was doing this junk in some back-alley Chinatown opium den.

MOMENTS & MILESTONES: Six cans of computer duster.

Each can looks exactly the same, except for a small number on the bottom. All serial-numbered to 199 copies, and every 30th can is red and a one-of-one.

O-PEE-CHEE: Tylenol 222s.

Available over-the-counter in Canada!

MOST MID-00s DONRUSS-PLAYOFF SETS: Balloon full of nitrous oxide sold in the parking lot of Citizens Bank Park.

Really? You're still doing this stuff?

1984 DONRUSS: Bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1982.

A classic. Best of the 80s. A 600-bottle case sold for $420,000 in '97.

PANINI HRX & UPPER DECK Whatever-the-hell-they-call-their-video-trading-card: Model Airplane Glue.

Seriously, what self-respecting drug abuser still huffs model airplane glue? What self-respecting card collector really wants these "cards."

2001 DONRUSS: Ex-Lax.

A complete pile shit. Cardboard diarrhea.

1994 FLEER: Immodium.

The remedy to shitty wax.

TOPPS TRIBUTE: Ketamine (a.k.a. "Special K").

Overpriced "designer drug" whose effects wear off quickly. But it doesn't stop those addicted from throwing their money away on more.

BOWMAN: Robitussin.

You need to buy at least three cases of Bowman to hit that "third-plateau" of MOJO.


Only, you're the one who unwittingly takes it in the ass.

1991 FLEER: Banana Peels.

Yellow, and has no intoxicating effect whatsoever.

1972 TOPPS: Ether.

"It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel..."

1991 STADIUM CLUB: A fine 20-year Single Malt Scotch.

Just like a good Scotch, '91 Stadium Club only gets better with age.

1952 TOPPS: Remy Martin Louis XIII.

The world's greatest post-War card set. The world's greatest Cognac.


Anonymous said...

Oh, man... yes... YES!

Now THAT is what I call a great baseball card blog post. I'm calling it right here that no one should even think about adding their own little addendum to this list. Leave it unspoiled. If you comment after me and you're like, "What about 1981 Donruss, that's like...," then you're a punk bitch. Don't mess with this post.

Retrofan said...

It's funny in an ironic way, but yet all the comparisons seem to be right on the money.

Anonymous said...

Great post.

That is all.

dayf said...

I will never again be able to look at a video trading card without thinking of Lenny Bruce's "Airplane Glue" sketch.

"I'm the Louis Pasteur of junkiedom!"

Corky said...

I think it is hilarious that the guys who are drinking in public and carrying multiple cans of beer around are pointing out the kids doing whippits in the parking lot. It is sort of like smoking weed and questioning why the kids smoking crack haven't been busted yet.

Excellent post, you really nailed it.

Anonymous said...

How much peyote did you do before writing this post?

This post is an instant classic.

GCA said...

Blog award for timeless classic post of the year.

Addiction is a terrible thing, and I got it!