Rippin' Retail: Eight Packs of 2010 Bowman Draft Picks & Prospects

Give Me Cards, or Give Me Death.

Somehow I always imagined that this is what the Upper Deck headquarters looked like.



(h/t Tom the Ripper)

Actually, this whole post was an excuse to post a Dead Kennedys song. Sue me.

I'll trade you a Tyler The Creator for an Earl Sweatshirt.

In case you have no idea who Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (OFWGKTA) are, imagine if the Wu-Tang Clan grew up in Los Angeles, skateboarding, watching Jackass, and getting zonked out on pills. That, in a nutshell, is Odd Future.

To give you a taste, here's OFWGKTA leader Tyler The Creator with the video for his hit single "Yonkers" -- which strangely enough has nothing to do with a city in Westchester County.



And here's Odd Future's 16-year old prodigy Earl Sweatshirt whose mother (and I'm not making this up) sent him away to an all-boys boarding school in Samoa that uses corporal punishment.



In an effort to cash-in on The Next Big Thing in hip-hop, MTV has produced, for your collecting pleasure, these OFWGKTA trading cards.

COLLECT 'EM ALL!

"Any of y'all want a hamburger?"

Sucking Dicks for Cheeseburgers: A phrase coined by a man far wiser than I.

Those of you that have been reviewing your trade proposals on the Topps Diamond Giveaway website know exactly what I mean.

MEMO TO ALL TOPPS DIAMOND GIVEAWAY TRADERS: No, I will not trade away my Johan Santana Diamond Die-Cut for a 1987 Roger Clemens, or a stack of 20 1980s-era commons, you bitch-ass trick.

National "Listen to Brian Wilson" Day.

No, not this over-rated attention-whore who dyes his beard*.

* Actual Beard not shown.

THIS Brian Wilson. The man who made the greatest rock-and-roll record, like, ever, ever. (Sorry Sgt. Pepper)



Brian Wilson is 69 years old today. (Huh-huh-huh, I said sixty-nine)

So if you're looking for me, I'll be in the basement with two bottles of Tussin, and listening to Pet Sounds on repeat, all day.





Oh and, since this is a baseball card blog, why not a Brian Wilson card in Allen & Ginter?

Do Cards, As If They Were Drugs.

We all know how "Addicting & Adventurous" baseball cards are. This Hobby is full of Cardboard Junkies.



But did you ever say to yourself, "Dude, this box of Bowman Platinum would be sooooooo much better if I had a rag doused with chloroform and two bottles of Formula 44?" Fear not, here are some of your favorite baseball card sets, as if they were drugs (legal or otherwise).

TOPPS FLAGSHIP: Marijuana.

The classic "gateway drug." It's the one we all got started with, and the one we continue to get our buzz on with. Just like weed, there are different "strains" of Topps (i.e. Hobby, HTA, retail, Blasters, Hangerpacks) and everyone knows a dealer where you can score some late at night.

FINEST, TOPPS CHROME, BOWMAN CHROME: LSD, Mescaline, and Esctasy (respectively).

WHOA MAN, LOOK AT ALL THE PRETTY COLORS OF THESE REFRACTORS!

2008 RAZOR SIGNATURE: "Bath Salts."

Completely whack, and banned in seven states for lack of a proper license.

OPENING DAY: Methadone.

A completely meaningless substance designed to wean you off your addictions.

TOPPS ATTAX: Paper bag of aluminum paint huffed by 12-year-old Romanian orphans in the back-alleys of Bucharest.

A cheap high, marketed towards kids. Quickly wears off after about five minutes.

GYSPY QUEEN: Black-Tar Heroin; ALLEN & GINTER: China White.

Both Black-Tar Heroin and China White make you "Chase the Dragon." Gypsy Queen and Allen & Ginter make you "Chase the SPs." Back in the 1880s, your grand pappy was doing this junk in some back-alley Chinatown opium den.

MOMENTS & MILESTONES: Six cans of computer duster.

Each can looks exactly the same, except for a small number on the bottom. All serial-numbered to 199 copies, and every 30th can is red and a one-of-one.

O-PEE-CHEE: Tylenol 222s.

Available over-the-counter in Canada!



MOST MID-00s DONRUSS-PLAYOFF SETS: Balloon full of nitrous oxide sold in the parking lot of Citizens Bank Park.

Really? You're still doing this stuff?



1984 DONRUSS: Bottle of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1982.

A classic. Best of the 80s. A 600-bottle case sold for $420,000 in '97.

PANINI HRX & UPPER DECK Whatever-the-hell-they-call-their-video-trading-card: Model Airplane Glue.

Seriously, what self-respecting drug abuser still huffs model airplane glue? What self-respecting card collector really wants these "cards."

2001 DONRUSS: Ex-Lax.

A complete pile shit. Cardboard diarrhea.

1994 FLEER: Immodium.

The remedy to shitty wax.

TOPPS TRIBUTE: Ketamine (a.k.a. "Special K").

Overpriced "designer drug" whose effects wear off quickly. But it doesn't stop those addicted from throwing their money away on more.

BOWMAN: Robitussin.

You need to buy at least three cases of Bowman to hit that "third-plateau" of MOJO.

TRIPLE THREADS: Roofies.

Only, you're the one who unwittingly takes it in the ass.

1991 FLEER: Banana Peels.

Yellow, and has no intoxicating effect whatsoever.

1972 TOPPS: Ether.

"It makes you behave like the village drunkard in some early Irish novel..."



1991 STADIUM CLUB: A fine 20-year Single Malt Scotch.

Just like a good Scotch, '91 Stadium Club only gets better with age.

1952 TOPPS: Remy Martin Louis XIII.

The world's greatest post-War card set. The world's greatest Cognac.

On-Location Break: Four retail racks of 2011 "B"

Yeah, it's just called "B" now. Deal with it.

Box Break: 2011 Topps Series Two HTA.

So, Dr. Wax Battle had a cardshow in Toms River today. Got to meet The Doc, Fast Eddie, Johnny-G and the rest of The Backstop Posse.

Sooz from A Cardboard Problem was there too, along with her boyfriend. I believe that this may have been the first documented case of a female dragging along an uninterested boyfriend to a baseball cardshow*.

Anyway, I left my Big Book Of Wantlists back in Virginia, so I had to settle for wax. Lucky for you (and me) I was able to pick up this HTA box of the recently released Topps Series Two.



* I could be wrong about this. While I didn't see Sooz's better-half with any cards, he at least knew who Bryce Harper and Manny Machado were.

Video Pack Break: Four retail racks of 2011 Topps Series Two

I Get Letters... From Topps.

A couple of months ago, when I was still corrupt and on-the-take, Topps sent me a free box of 2010 Topps Sterling. In that box was a redemption card good for a one-of-one autographed "relic" card of Mike Piazza. Yes, getting a redemption card in a box of cards that retails for $200 sucks, but hey, I didn't pay for it.

Fast forward to today, when I received a package from Topps containing this...



In case you're wondering, yes, that is a one-of-one White Whale card of Mark Teixeira, Robinson Cano and Alex Rodriguez from 2009 Triple Threads.

So, for all of you who plunked down your $100 for a pack of Triple Scraps back in '09, isn't it great to know, in retrospect, that a 1/1 of three of the Yankees' biggest stars NEVER EVEN MADE IT INTO THE PACKS?